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The train has failed

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:04:07 -0500

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Hello, I am new!

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 09:27:17 -0500

Hi! I am very glad to be here! Hope it's going to be very interesting.

Most Angry Incident for you in your Life!!

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 01:20:27 -0600

Hi,

First of all, want to say that I am really one health conscious especially to control stress due to Anger.

Always try to avoid Anger with suitable solution for Problems in mine Life.

But here, want to know about you and yours Angry Incident in life, if occurred.

-- Nurit (always try to be healthy)

hi

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 05:02:04 -0600

am sizzle and am new here.

Irish humor

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 06:03:23 -0600

I'm not Irish, but I love Irish humor.
Here are some One-Liners.
Hope you'll enjoy it

- Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
- I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
- 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
- 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

New member here

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:28:49 -0600

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum.
Hope I'll have a great time learning some stuff from you guys.
Cheers.

101 Ways To Annoy People

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 04:16:12 -0600

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Hello Everyone!

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:18:00 -0600

Hello everyone! I'm newbie here. Looking forward to meet everyone here. Thanks.

nEw MeMbEr

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 02:21:11 -0600

Hello everyone,

I'm lyn, a new member. I joined the community to learn things and share what I can share in any topic here.

Thanks,
lyn lee

Wanted FBI agents

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:58:10 -0600

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her."

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy," he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI agent says, calmly.

The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important."

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

"What did you do?"

The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"

Bank Teller

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:54:08 -0600

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this b**h is giving you a hard time?

JOhn-the Soldier

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:48:27 -0600

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

John

Boss Is always the BOSS

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:35:27 -0600

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Pablo and Paco

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:24:20 -0600

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around.

He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?"

Paco says "No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants."

He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around.

He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"

Paco says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants."

He says "Ok."

They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse.

He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants.

Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?"

Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"

Robert

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:21:14 -0600

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman. "Is Robert there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Robert," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Buy a Mac

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:53:18 -0600

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

The Less You Know, The More You Make

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:47:48 -0600

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

Bond....James Bond

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:41:42 -0600

Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy..

Both were traveling to US.

Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?"

James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond."

James Bond: "and you?"

Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.."

.............................

The Parrot

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:36:18 -0600

A woman goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet.

There she finds a brightly plumed parrot.

"How much for the bird?" she asks.

"Oh, you don't want that bird," replies the storekeeper.

"He used to live in a whorehouse, so he's got a dirty mouth."

"But he's so pretty," she gushes.

"I'll tell you what. Take him home, try him out. If it doesn't work, bring him back."

When it arrives at its new home, the bird looks around and squawks, "New house, new madam."

The woman is disturbed, but ignores it.

Hours later, her daughters come home from school.

Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, new hookers."

The woman is bothered, but ignores it, after all, the bird hasn't actually cursed.

A few hours later, her husband comes home from work.

Again, after looking around, the bird squawks,

"New house, new madam, new hookers.

Hi, George."

Shooting the Bear

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:34:50 -0600

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him
how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child!

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,"Let me tell you a story.

I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day
went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot
that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor